One Step at a Time

In my ongoing effort to get well, both physically and mentally, I had acupuncture this morning for my back. A few weeks ago I went on a very difficult hike - 20km across icy terrain. I had an impossible time trying to maintain my balance and ended up with piriformis syndrome as a result. I've been doing lots of exercises and stretches but thought maybe acupuncture would help me cope with the pain as it had worked for me before when I had a pinched nerve in my shoulder.

The doctor said I may only need one session which was great news as it costs $50 each time. I felt pretty good after so decided to do some walking at the BMO Centre. I haven't been there before but since it was pouring down rain I decided to use their indoor track. I walked for about an hour and a half without pain.

I feel good that I took action today and looked after a health problem. I'm feeling some pain in the backs of my legs but it's not killing me. I can cope.

Something else I'm trying to do is have more contact with family and friends. I find it remarkably easy to become isolated. The more isolated I become the more isolated I want to be. It's a vicious cycle and I know it's not good for me even though I tend to create situations where I don't see/talk to or seemingly "need" anyone. I think that's the introvert in me. Introversion and depression are not a good combination.

Today was not a stellar day for interacting with others but I did text for awhile with my friend Michelle, I spent time with my daughter, I confirmed breakfast on Friday with a former colleague by email, wrote a post for my other blog, talked to my acupuncturist (does that count?), and received a phone call from a friend. Didn't really feel like going on facebook today.

As far as activities I made myself complete a little DIY project in the main bathroom. I cleaned out the cupboard under the sink, wiped it down and put down new contact paper, installed an extra shelf for added storage, threw out a few things and then re-organized it. Also put up a rack in my daughter's bedroom so she can hang her dance medals on it. It felt good to get a couple of things done. I feel somewhat motivated to do the same with the powder room tomorrow as I have lots of contact paper left. We'll see.

Oh, and I did a little shopping at Walmart - I bought two zero-gravity chairs for our trailer which is located on Lake Huron. I set one up in the living room because I thought it might make a comfortable place to take a break as I'm not supposed to sit very much - I'm on it now and it's VERY comfortable.

All in all a fairly good day.

Depression

I look at depression as a battle - either it will defeat me or I will defeat it. There seems to be enough will in me to desire the win, I just don't know know whether I have the necessary skills or strength.  I have another blog that I post on 3-4 times a week but I don't go on and on about my depression there. I thought having a spot where I could just write about my depression and the details of my battle might somehow by helpful or therapeutic not only for myself but for others.

A little background:
This May I will turn 59. Two years ago at this time I was a special education teacher at a highschool near where I live. My health was relatively good and I shared my condo with my daughter, K,  who is now 24 and my partner, Mike. Mike and I were looking forward to the end of school when we would drive to PEI and spend the summer there.

In 2010 I purchased an old but renovated farmhouse with a view of Casumpec Bay from the front porch. It was an idyllic existence.  My daughter who was working several part-time jobs would stay in the condo and look after our elderly cat. The plan was that when I retired we would move permanently to PEI.

Fast forward to now:

• I am retired. 
• Mike decided that he didn't want to live in PEI after all or with me for that matter and disappeared one weekend when K and I were on a mother/daughter trip to Toronto. I came home to find his closets/dressers etc empty.
• I had to sell the house in PEI. Daughter and I living in the condo with 2 new cats (our elderly cat passed away at the ripe old age of 20)
• Suffering with back pain. 
• Lonely, sad most of the time, keeping myself isolated
• Unmotivated, have lost interest in the things I used to do 
• Feel anxious sometimes, feel dread when I wake up in the morning
• don't like myself very much, wallowing in regrets about my choices in life, feel like a loser

Where I would like to be:

• able to feel happiness and joy
• socialize more
• regain interest in activities
• feel satisfied with my life
• wake up looking forward to each day
• feel loved
• feel excited about life
• be useful - feel that life has meaning
• be free of pain (both emotional and physical)

This is a pretty classic list of symptoms of depression. Click on the link for more information. Depression runs in my family - my dad spent a lot of years in and out of psych hospitals suffering from depression and anxiety. I know I have to watch myself though I don't feel suicidal like he did. I just feel blahhhhhhh. 

Tomorrow I'm going to try to figure out what makes me happy. That's what I want to be. I don't want to be dead. My life has been far from easy and I will share some experiences that have led me to be where I am now. 

I really really hope I can find some readers/bloggers who are in the same boat as I am. Because the hardest part is feeling alone. 

Talk to you tomorrow.