I look at depression as a battle - either it will defeat me or I will defeat it. There seems to be enough will in me to desire the win, I just don't know know whether I have the necessary skills or strength. I have another blog that I post on 3-4 times a week but I don't go on and on about my depression there. I thought having a spot where I could just write about my depression and the details of my battle might somehow by helpful or therapeutic not only for myself but for others.
A little background:
This May I will turn 59. Two years ago at this time I was a special education teacher at a highschool near where I live. My health was relatively good and I shared my condo with my daughter, K, who is now 24 and my partner, Mike. Mike and I were looking forward to the end of school when we would drive to PEI and spend the summer there.
In 2010 I purchased an old but renovated farmhouse with a view of Casumpec Bay from the front porch. It was an idyllic existence. My daughter who was working several part-time jobs would stay in the condo and look after our elderly cat. The plan was that when I retired we would move permanently to PEI.
Fast forward to now:
- I am retired.
- Mike decided that he didn't want to live in PEI after all or with me for that matter and disappeared one weekend when K and I were on a mother/daughter trip to Toronto. I came home to find his closets/dressers etc empty.
- I had to sell the house in PEI. Daughter and I living in the condo with 2 new cats (our elderly cat passed away at the ripe old age of 20)
- Suffering with back pain.
- Lonely, sad most of the time, keeping myself isolated
- Unmotivated, have lost interest in the things I used to do
- Feel anxious sometimes, feel dread when I wake up in the morning
- don't like myself very much, wallowing in regrets about my choices in life, feel like a loser
Where I would like to be:
- able to feel happiness and joy
- socialize more
- regain interest in activities
- feel satisfied with my life
- wake up looking forward to each day
- feel loved
- feel excited about life
- be useful - feel that life has meaning
- be free of pain (both emotional and physical)
This is a pretty classic list of symptoms of depression. Click on the link for more information. Depression runs in my family - my dad spent a lot of years in and out of psych hospitals suffering from depression and anxiety. I know I have to watch myself though I don't feel suicidal like he did. I just feel blahhhhhhh.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to figure out what makes me happy. That's what I want to be. I don't want to be dead. My life has been far from easy and I will share some experiences that have led me to be where I am now.
I really really hope I can find some readers/bloggers who are in the same boat as I am. Because the hardest part is feeling alone.
Talk to you tomorrow.