The Ice Storm Blues

I'm not sure why (as reading was my main hobby as a child) I feel guilty now when I want to read. Even though I'm retired! I feel guilty as if reading is a less important hobby and I should be busy doing other, more important things. Like what I wonder? Vacuuming? Cleaning?

So I was pleased and relieved that the area in which I live had a major ice storm over the weekend and I nestled under a blanket on the couch glad for an excuse to indulge in a major read-athon!

My favourite genre is "murder mysteries" and I have been reading as many Elizabeth George books as I can manage to download onto my iPad from the online library system I belong to. You do have to commit a good chunk of time to her books as they are long which is fine by me. There are "trashy" mystery writers and very intelligent and articulate mystery writers and you can just guess which type Elizabeth George writes! Her books truly are extremely well written.

Some of her books have been serialized on Masterpiece Mystery on PBS with the main character being Inspector Lynley.

But before I can allow myself to read, being as the storm is over, I must complete a few things - yes, like vacuuming, cutting my hair, doing an errand or two, yoga, meditation etc so I'd better get busy. It's 10:25am and so far all I've been able to accomplish is writing on my other blog, cutting the nails of my two cats, eating breakfast, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.

So...off I go...to ACCOMPLISH things...(at least, that's the intent!)...

Meditation vs Medication

I don't really take any medication anymore for depression and/or anxiety. Once I retired I didn't care if I woke up at 4am. At least I didn't have to get up and go to work! I would say that for almost

a year I continued to wake up very early and I felt filled with anxiety. (This was after I stopped taking cipralex for anxiety). It was a costly medication and I felt I could get along without it. 

So when I woke up at 4am feeling anxious I would get up (no point lying there) and I would listen to an audiobook (too anxious to read a print book) and usually I would fall back to sleep for awhile.

Now I sleep til 7am. I still feel some anxiety but not as much. I realize that

once I get up and start my morning routine the anxiety will subside.

My remaining medication is a small dose, 50mg, of an older drug (amitriptyline) that has had success for back pain. After taking a few other drugs my doctor recommended trying it and it really helped. Unfortunately it is really hard to get off of. You must VERY slowly wean yourself off. I tried more than once and it made me feel suicidal. I am in the process of weaning off again by having a whole pill one day and then a half pill the next and alternating. So far so good. It's inexpensive but it's the side effects that worry me. I realize amitriptyline masks my true emotions as I struggle to feel much of anything - my sense of humour no longer exists and I feel quite flat. It's a tough go.  I would prefer not to take it and I feel trapped - I read an article that said getting off amitriptyline is harder than kicking heroin!

Every day I do 30 minutes of yoga for pain control and recently I added a 20 minute meditation from the same yoga app called Yoga Studio. EXCELLENT! At first I resented the extra time spent laying on the floor but I do find it is helpful and now I look forward to it. I am hoping the effects of meditation will help both with pain and with balancing my medication. Time will tell. The next step in the weaning process would be to take a full pill one night followed by two nights taking a half pill. I think that will be manageable. I look forward to having feelings again although I also don't want to be overwhelmed with emotions by weaning too quickly. One day at a time I guess.

Positive thought for the day: "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."  Dolly Parton

I'm Back

Just re-read my previous posts and I haven't made a lot of progress with alleviating anxiety or depression - the battle continues. A couple things I did note about my previous posts is that...

• they are too long
• I'm great at making lists but not following them
• I have good ideas but can't seem to put them into action

Something else I've come to learn about myself is I lack motivation and don't feel passionate about much of anything. 

Looking back over four years of retirement I have tried many activities - some have stuck and some haven't. So I've been letting go of the ones that don't add anything to my life and focussing on the ones that do. For example...

• Crochet and spool-knitting: during the depths of his massive depression my Dad creating a huge room-filling rug through spool-knitting. People in the small village he lived in would drop off leftover balls of wool. It kept his hands busy which is important when you live in anxiety or fear. I tried it for the first year of retirement, crocheting as well, but neither really interested me. 
• Sewing: I thought that I would try sewing instead. In high school I sewed most of my clothes and I was good at it. I have a fairly new sewing machine. I bought a pattern and material and still they sit in a bag somewhere. I'm good at the planning, terrible at the follow through.
• DIY projects - painting, wall papering, fixing etc. I did a lot when I first retired but have tapered off. I would still like to get some improvements done around the house but prefer, for now, to put my money into travel.
• Travel :) I really really love to travel and see new things, new places etc. My experiences have been good except for last year's trip. My travel partner had to downsize her trip which meant I would be doing the long distance hike alone. That was fine but I had a freak accident damaging several toes on my right foot which became infected and I couldn't continue. I was somewhere in the Scottish Highlands with no help at hand and had an anxiety attack. Managed to find a bus to take me to Glasgow airport and flew home. I've been down on myself because I think (sometimes) that I should have toughed it out. Logically I know I couldn't but since when is anxiety logical? The good news is my brother and I are going to Scotland in September this year which I am looking forward to. I also did a trip to Vancouver Island last year and did a few hikes and visited two friends. Since I purchased a car last September my savings have decreased so I am working on building up my accounts again so I can continue to take two trips a year instead of one. Time will tell.
• Yoga and meditation: still enjoying yoga and I follow up my daily 1/2 hour with a short meditation. I may increase the meditation time from 10 minutes to 20 minutes. I use the Yoga Studio App and find it helpful.
• Soapstone carving - I created several pieces over fall and winter though I find I have to push myself to get going on this very enjoyable hobby.
• Genealogy - again something I really enjoy but hard to get started.
• Volleyball - I am playing 6 hours a week (2 hours 3x weekly) I really enjoy this sport and have a lead on a beach volleyball court close to where I live and the people are the same folks I play with now. Age 55+; some are also thinking about lawn bowling which I will try if it gets going. I usually go out with some of the other v-ball players for a pint once a week - at first this was stressful but it is getting easier.
• Cycling - I am eager to get my bicycle out of the basement for a new season of long rides on the bike trails. Cycling is tied with hiking/long distance walking for the joy it brings me. Yes, cycling brings me joy. The freedom, the speed, the wind that keeps me cool - just can't get enough of it!
• Hiking/long distance walking: I enjoy being out in nature every day. I've been at my favourite spot everyday for the past couple of weeks waiting for the return of the osprey couple who have taken up permanent occupation of the light standard in centre field of a nearby baseball diamond. They arrived yesterday and I was so pleased. (I no longer use the indoor walking track as I prefer to walk outside.) And it's been proven walking in nature helps with depression.
• Nature and Photography - I love taking photos - I made a calendar last year as a Christmas gift to family members of photos I took in the Connemara region in Ireland. One brother said they were the best photos of that area that he'd ever seen and I should make a calendar. I took his advice and with the help of Apple I created a wonderful keepsake. I also plan to make a picture book, also with Apple help, of the wildflowers, birds and animals I see where I hike. I have hundreds of photos to choose from and it is an enjoyable activity.

To summarize the activities that I still enjoy and pursue are: travel, hiking/long distance walking, photography, nature, cycling, yoga and meditation. Ones that I will try to continue: carving and genealogy. Ones I've given up on - crochet, spool knitting and sewing though I would at least like to make the top that I purchased material for. 

My apologies for disappearing from my blog - hopefully I will continue to write posts as it is good therapy.  I'll leave you with this positive message:

"Develop interest in life as you see it; in things, people, music, literature - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.
Henry Miller (American author)

Morning Dread

Do you suffer from "morning dread"? It's that feeling when you first wake up of worry and darkness that jolts you wide awake and doesn't allow you to linger in bed enjoying that pleasant langorous feeling between dreaminess and full alertness.

Yeah, me too.

I'm not like this person who can't hardly drag themselves out of bed. I have to get up and get busy. I get more anxious if I stay in bed - there's no enjoyment in it.

And if I don't know what I'm going to do when I get up then I feel even more anxious. So I'm trying to think, the night before, what I'm going to do when I get up in the morning. Beyond the usual routine, that is.

Right now my morning routine looks like this: (and I can drag it out for several hours)

• I wake up around 7am without an alarm
• I respond to the "morning dread" by getting up; I'm confused for a short period of time by what order I should do things and therefore by what I should wear...exercise gear? jeans? pjs?
• I feel like I should start out the day with meditation and stretches, maybe some yoga but I frequently don't bother, but I also feel I shouldn't stay in pjs either and jeans aren't comfortable for exercise...like I say it takes a few minutes to decide. If it's a "hike" day then I know what to put on...hiking pants etc...maybe everyday should be a "hike" or a "walk" day. Maybe that's how I should start my day...but I'm inherently lazy. This is a struggle.
• Once dressed, washed my face etc I come downstairs and make sure the cats have food and that their litter is clean. I sometimes forget about the litter til later.
• I get my breakfast ready, make a cup of tea or coffee. Perhaps play a little with the cats.
• Then at 8am I get the newspaper out of my mailbox and sit at the dining room table to eat, drink and read the paper. 
• Then I check my email using my laptop and look up stuff - like today I'm looking up "how to meditate" because yesterday at group meditation the leader talked about Buddhists and how their daily meditation practice allows them to feel happy and calm and peaceful even if a bomb goes off near them. I'm not going to become a monk but I would like to know how they meditate. My once weekly group meditation is not going to get me to a place where I experience deep peace. And besides, research can really fill a lot of hours in a day! Here it is 10:18am and I'm still at the dining room table but I can justify that because I'm retired and I'm learning about something.
• Then I have to figure out what I'll do for the rest of the day: for example today I'm doing "floors" - vacuuming and cleaning AND it's kitty hygiene day too - clip their nails and comb their fur as it's spring and they are shedding more hair. I will check my accounts and update my budget plus I will talk to my daughter once she gets up (she worked late last night). Later I will likely go for coffee with a "daytime friend" and will do any errands that need doing. As it's not a hike day but the weather is crappy I will ride my stationary bike for 15km instead of going for a walk as rain and/or snow is predicted. 
• Once I get to abot 4pm the guilt of not working for a living usually subsides for the day (probably because 4pm was the end of my work day?) and I relax a bit more...I might read, go on the computer or get supper started. I have another blog I work on a fair bit plus a bloglist of other blogs to visit and read.
• After dinner is when I ride my stationary bike and watch Netflix. I might have a glass of wine and some chocolate, probably neither a good idea. Eventually I plan to fill an afternoon or two with volunteer work. And once nicer weather arrives I'll be spending a few days each week at my trailer which will hopefully provide me with some peace and relaxation.

And such is my busy busy life (sarcasm intended).

**The takeaway today is to always plan a few things the night before for the following day as feeling "dazed and confused" is really hard to endure first thing in the morning. Your mind will thank you for it.

What Makes me Happy

Before I get into what makes me happy I thought I'd add a little more background to the story. I may need to do this from time to time so that posts make sense.

Things came to a head for me last July, 2014. Mike, my partner, had left me the previous Dec., 2013 and I had retired at the end of June 2014. As per my original plan I packed up my pickup truck and drove to my home in PEI.  I thought I could still live in PEI on my own since my partner backed out. But after being there for a time I had a bit of a breakdown and found that indeed I could not manage being there on my own.

Adding to my difficulties was the fact that I was gradually coming off of two medications - one for back pain (which was also a very low dose anti-depressant) and another for anxiety related symptoms of menopause. No doubt the terrible withdrawal I went through contributed to my mental anguish. Nevertheless I sold my home back to its previous owner (at a loss) and came back home to Ontario where I had more of a support system. It helped to be home with family nearby but my depression continued.

So...what makes me happy now, or, what made me happy in the past? Is there a way to increase my level of happiness? I would give anything to experience happiness and joy and excitement once again. I take no medication these days - I have been medication-free since last summer and have no desire to be on anti-depressants again.  I am including a shocking "Big Think" video that my nephew posted on Facebook today that reveals that anti-depressants suppress emotions, making it hard to cry and difficult to empathize.  I have experienced these things and quite frankly it terrifies me.

This blog will hopefully cover my journey from depression back to happiness, but the way I feel now it seems next to impossible to believe I can elevate my mood/feelings/emotions to the point where I can be joyful. However, that being said, I do believe that time heals all things. We shall see. I am ready to give it the All Canadian try!!

I feel happy (sort of) when...

• my two cats are curled up beside me
• my 24 year old daughter and I are getting along...watching "Friends" on Netflix and laughing our asses off as one example
• I'm out hiking in the woods, alone or with friends
• I meet a friend for coffee
• I go to group meditation
• I am not in physical pain (suffer chronic back pain)
• I am doing yoga
• my daughter and I work together on something (Easter dinner)
• I spend time with girlfriends I have known for years
• I go to my trailer
• I ride my bike
• I travel abroad or take a "road trip"
• I read a good book
• when my daughter is happy
• I am involved in activities I enjoy
• I hear a good live band, discover a new group whose music I like
• when I complete a DIY project successfully
• I create a delicious meal/dessert
• I stay on budget
• I write on my blog/respond to comments/read my friends' blogs

As you can see I'm not stuck for things to do, I have many interests and enjoy many things. BUT, right now there are barriers to my enjoyment. For example I have pulled muscles that prevent me from doing physical things that I enjoy, like hiking. Depression prevents me from engaging in the activities I enjoy such as genealogy, carving and other artistic pursuits. My daughter is struggling - she broke up with a boyfriend of several years and can't find full-time work that she enjoys. Money, while I have enough, is not so plentiful that I can travel abroad more than once a year. 

My challenge, right now, is to overcome these barriers (at least the ones that apply to me) so that I can get back to enjoying all of my activities and interests. I would also like to add "volunteer" work to the list as well as "activism." I feel these would enhance my life greatly so that I could feel, once again, that life has purpose and meaning. 

The combination of retiring, losing my life partner, losing my "future" (living with Mike in PEI), selling my PEI home, coming off of all medications and having a struggling daughter has steered me into the "ditch of life"!! A key to all of this is humour - I would like to rediscover my wicked sense of humour once again which would also help me to cope with all that has happened. I'm not one to lay down and give up, even when depressed. 

Here are the steps I've taken yesterday and today and will take tomorrow:

• went to meditation with a friend and sat on my "donut" cushion
• had coffee with another friend and sat on my "donut cushion"
• inquired yesterday via facebook of a hiking friend about her participation in "Dragon Boat Racing" and will attend the upcoming recruitment meeting on April 20th
• will be going to acupuncture tomorrow in hopes of some pain relief (it has helped me before)
• made an Easter dinner with Kazi yesterday
• much cuddling of kittens :)  and "liked" a facebook page with photos/videos of kittens being cute and funny
• made plans to have breakfast with a former co-worker this Friday
• might make pancakes tomorrow morning with a friend after acupuncture if I'm feeling up to it
• will pray for my daughter who has a job interview this Friday 

A good list - I am "happy" with my efforts so far.