Worrier Post HAHAHAHA!!

This is so me...no wonder I do yoga at home where no one can see me!

Thank you Gemma Correll for this hilarious cartoon.

"Correll is a British writer and illustrator who suffers from anxiety and clinical depression, and she doesn’t hold back in using her work to break down the barriers in talking about mental health. In 2015, she published a book of her illustrations called The Worriers Guide To Life, and many of her illustrations present a frank and relatable depiction of what it’s like to live with mental illness."

I'm Back

Just re-read my previous posts and I haven't made a lot of progress with alleviating anxiety or depression - the battle continues. A couple things I did note about my previous posts is that...

• they are too long
• I'm great at making lists but not following them
• I have good ideas but can't seem to put them into action

Something else I've come to learn about myself is I lack motivation and don't feel passionate about much of anything. 

Looking back over four years of retirement I have tried many activities - some have stuck and some haven't. So I've been letting go of the ones that don't add anything to my life and focussing on the ones that do. For example...

• Crochet and spool-knitting: during the depths of his massive depression my Dad creating a huge room-filling rug through spool-knitting. People in the small village he lived in would drop off leftover balls of wool. It kept his hands busy which is important when you live in anxiety or fear. I tried it for the first year of retirement, crocheting as well, but neither really interested me. 
• Sewing: I thought that I would try sewing instead. In high school I sewed most of my clothes and I was good at it. I have a fairly new sewing machine. I bought a pattern and material and still they sit in a bag somewhere. I'm good at the planning, terrible at the follow through.
• DIY projects - painting, wall papering, fixing etc. I did a lot when I first retired but have tapered off. I would still like to get some improvements done around the house but prefer, for now, to put my money into travel.
• Travel :) I really really love to travel and see new things, new places etc. My experiences have been good except for last year's trip. My travel partner had to downsize her trip which meant I would be doing the long distance hike alone. That was fine but I had a freak accident damaging several toes on my right foot which became infected and I couldn't continue. I was somewhere in the Scottish Highlands with no help at hand and had an anxiety attack. Managed to find a bus to take me to Glasgow airport and flew home. I've been down on myself because I think (sometimes) that I should have toughed it out. Logically I know I couldn't but since when is anxiety logical? The good news is my brother and I are going to Scotland in September this year which I am looking forward to. I also did a trip to Vancouver Island last year and did a few hikes and visited two friends. Since I purchased a car last September my savings have decreased so I am working on building up my accounts again so I can continue to take two trips a year instead of one. Time will tell.
• Yoga and meditation: still enjoying yoga and I follow up my daily 1/2 hour with a short meditation. I may increase the meditation time from 10 minutes to 20 minutes. I use the Yoga Studio App and find it helpful.
• Soapstone carving - I created several pieces over fall and winter though I find I have to push myself to get going on this very enjoyable hobby.
• Genealogy - again something I really enjoy but hard to get started.
• Volleyball - I am playing 6 hours a week (2 hours 3x weekly) I really enjoy this sport and have a lead on a beach volleyball court close to where I live and the people are the same folks I play with now. Age 55+; some are also thinking about lawn bowling which I will try if it gets going. I usually go out with some of the other v-ball players for a pint once a week - at first this was stressful but it is getting easier.
• Cycling - I am eager to get my bicycle out of the basement for a new season of long rides on the bike trails. Cycling is tied with hiking/long distance walking for the joy it brings me. Yes, cycling brings me joy. The freedom, the speed, the wind that keeps me cool - just can't get enough of it!
• Hiking/long distance walking: I enjoy being out in nature every day. I've been at my favourite spot everyday for the past couple of weeks waiting for the return of the osprey couple who have taken up permanent occupation of the light standard in centre field of a nearby baseball diamond. They arrived yesterday and I was so pleased. (I no longer use the indoor walking track as I prefer to walk outside.) And it's been proven walking in nature helps with depression.
• Nature and Photography - I love taking photos - I made a calendar last year as a Christmas gift to family members of photos I took in the Connemara region in Ireland. One brother said they were the best photos of that area that he'd ever seen and I should make a calendar. I took his advice and with the help of Apple I created a wonderful keepsake. I also plan to make a picture book, also with Apple help, of the wildflowers, birds and animals I see where I hike. I have hundreds of photos to choose from and it is an enjoyable activity.

To summarize the activities that I still enjoy and pursue are: travel, hiking/long distance walking, photography, nature, cycling, yoga and meditation. Ones that I will try to continue: carving and genealogy. Ones I've given up on - crochet, spool knitting and sewing though I would at least like to make the top that I purchased material for. 

My apologies for disappearing from my blog - hopefully I will continue to write posts as it is good therapy.  I'll leave you with this positive message:

"Develop interest in life as you see it; in things, people, music, literature - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.
Henry Miller (American author)

CBC Radio

Well how do you think it makes me feel you idiot!!

Another morning, same old "morning dread." I pushed my "snooze" button but couldn't stay in bed. Had to get up. Tried some meditation. Did a few stretches. Thank god for the kittens because they are always waiting outside my bedroom door and are always glad to see me. Yes, I'm pathetic.

I tried something different this morning - I put CBC radio on while I had breakfast and read the morning paper. It was pleasant - so I stayed at the table and did part of the crossword puzzle. Read some blog posts too. Took me through to lunchtime and then I got busy with chores. I'm going to put CBC radio on every morning that I'm at home. Some mornings I go for a hike and the morning dread isn't quite so bad.

So now I have two things to look forward to when I wake up: the kittens and the radio. Yes, it seems rather pathetic but perhaps it's not so bad.

A Crappy Day

Yesterday was not a good day. I don't know why some days are so much worse than others. Perhaps it was the snow we got after I cleaned up the patio. Perhaps it was because I didn't leave the house yesterday. I don't know but I was pretty down in the dumps. Very dissatisfied with my lot in life. Putting myself down, feeling sad and blue.

I did come across a quote yesterday, however, that had an impact on me:

"The past does not equal the future.
Because you may have failed a moment ago,
all day today,or for the last six months,
or for the last sixteen years,
or for the last fifty years of your life
doesn't mean anything.
All that matters is."
what are you going to do now?

Anthony Robbins

Isn't it amazing to thing we can make a fresh start today? And if today sucks well we get a new one tomorrow. Living in the "now" has always been difficult for me, I'm forever thinking that I should have lived my life differently. But the past doesn't matter, the only day that matters is today. How are you going to live your "today"?

Morning Dread

Do you suffer from "morning dread"? It's that feeling when you first wake up of worry and darkness that jolts you wide awake and doesn't allow you to linger in bed enjoying that pleasant langorous feeling between dreaminess and full alertness.

Yeah, me too.

I'm not like this person who can't hardly drag themselves out of bed. I have to get up and get busy. I get more anxious if I stay in bed - there's no enjoyment in it.

And if I don't know what I'm going to do when I get up then I feel even more anxious. So I'm trying to think, the night before, what I'm going to do when I get up in the morning. Beyond the usual routine, that is.

Right now my morning routine looks like this: (and I can drag it out for several hours)

• I wake up around 7am without an alarm
• I respond to the "morning dread" by getting up; I'm confused for a short period of time by what order I should do things and therefore by what I should wear...exercise gear? jeans? pjs?
• I feel like I should start out the day with meditation and stretches, maybe some yoga but I frequently don't bother, but I also feel I shouldn't stay in pjs either and jeans aren't comfortable for exercise...like I say it takes a few minutes to decide. If it's a "hike" day then I know what to put on...hiking pants etc...maybe everyday should be a "hike" or a "walk" day. Maybe that's how I should start my day...but I'm inherently lazy. This is a struggle.
• Once dressed, washed my face etc I come downstairs and make sure the cats have food and that their litter is clean. I sometimes forget about the litter til later.
• I get my breakfast ready, make a cup of tea or coffee. Perhaps play a little with the cats.
• Then at 8am I get the newspaper out of my mailbox and sit at the dining room table to eat, drink and read the paper. 
• Then I check my email using my laptop and look up stuff - like today I'm looking up "how to meditate" because yesterday at group meditation the leader talked about Buddhists and how their daily meditation practice allows them to feel happy and calm and peaceful even if a bomb goes off near them. I'm not going to become a monk but I would like to know how they meditate. My once weekly group meditation is not going to get me to a place where I experience deep peace. And besides, research can really fill a lot of hours in a day! Here it is 10:18am and I'm still at the dining room table but I can justify that because I'm retired and I'm learning about something.
• Then I have to figure out what I'll do for the rest of the day: for example today I'm doing "floors" - vacuuming and cleaning AND it's kitty hygiene day too - clip their nails and comb their fur as it's spring and they are shedding more hair. I will check my accounts and update my budget plus I will talk to my daughter once she gets up (she worked late last night). Later I will likely go for coffee with a "daytime friend" and will do any errands that need doing. As it's not a hike day but the weather is crappy I will ride my stationary bike for 15km instead of going for a walk as rain and/or snow is predicted. 
• Once I get to abot 4pm the guilt of not working for a living usually subsides for the day (probably because 4pm was the end of my work day?) and I relax a bit more...I might read, go on the computer or get supper started. I have another blog I work on a fair bit plus a bloglist of other blogs to visit and read.
• After dinner is when I ride my stationary bike and watch Netflix. I might have a glass of wine and some chocolate, probably neither a good idea. Eventually I plan to fill an afternoon or two with volunteer work. And once nicer weather arrives I'll be spending a few days each week at my trailer which will hopefully provide me with some peace and relaxation.

And such is my busy busy life (sarcasm intended).

**The takeaway today is to always plan a few things the night before for the following day as feeling "dazed and confused" is really hard to endure first thing in the morning. Your mind will thank you for it.

Walking and Depression

After hiking outside yesterday (it was a balmy 17c) it was back to the indoor track today as the rain is pouring down. 

If there is one thing that I can point to that lifts my spirits it's walking and/or cycling. It doesn't matter if I'm walking inside or outside once I get into a rhythm I start to feel small stirrings of happiness. Yes, it's only temporary but the benefits are real and eventually longer lasting. The following excerpt explains a bit about how exercise helps with depression...

(For the entire article go HERE)

A study published in 2005 found that walking fast for about 35 minutes a day five times a week or 60 minutes a day three times a week had a significant influence on mild to moderate depression symptoms. Walking fast for only 15 minutes a day five times a week or doing stretching exercises three times a week did not help as much. (These exercise lengths were calculated for someone who weighs about 150 pounds. If you weigh more, longer exercise times apply, while the opposite is true if you weigh less than 150 pounds.)

How does exercise relieve depression? For many years, experts have known that exercise enhances the action of endorphins, chemicals that circulate throughout the body. Endorphins improve natural immunity and reduce the perception of pain. They may also serve to improve mood. Another theory is that exercise stimulates the neurotransmitter norepinephrine, which may directly improve mood.

Besides lifting your mood, regular exercise offers other health benefits, such as lowering blood pressure, protecting against heart disease and cancer, and boosting self-esteem. How often or intensely you need to exercise to alleviate depression is not clear, but for general health, experts advise getting half an hour to an hour of moderate exercise, such as brisk walking, on all or most days of the week.

I read on one woman's blog about how hard it was for her to be motivated enough to walk. She put her workout clothes on the floor by her bed so they would be the first things she'd see in the morning. It helped! We all know how easy it is to make excuses or to "forget". Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning is all we can manage. TRY to make the effort to walk, better yet walk with a friend if you can. Motivate each other.

Have a laugh on me!

A New Habit

Yesterday, in the mail, I received my new acupressure mats from Spoonk!! (one full-size and one travel size)  I am hopeful that it will help both with physical pain (as does acupuncture) but also will help elevate my mood.

This morning I laid on it during meditation; then I also stood on it (in socks) for a few minutes. I was able to stay laying on it for the full 25 minutes of meditation. I can't report any amazing results but hopefully with repeated use I'll notice a difference.

Here are the claims made by Spoonk:

Enhance your health and wellness
You can treat your body and calm your mind in just 20 to 40 minutes on the mat. The Spoonk mat will energize you in the morning and help you unwind in the evening. Regular use will create the desired level of relaxation in your body that prevents the accumulation of stress and tension.

Spoonk™ Mats are made of all natural materials:

Cover:

• 55% certified organic hemp, 45% organic cotton
• GOTS (Global Organic Textile) certified organic fabric
• No synthetic AZO dyes

Eco Foam:

• High quality Plant Based foam made VPF technology
• No Fire Retardant Chemicals (PBDE and CFS)
• No toxic off-gassing chemicals

Stimulation Points:

• Recyclable nontoxic ABS Plastic.
• Heat pressure - no adhesive glue
• 6,210 stimulation points for optimal effect
• Original design of crown-shaped discs

Eco foam made in the USA.
Assembled in Canada.

Stay tuned...